I was pretty tempted to title this post ‘The Worst Week of My Life”. However, the truth is that I’ve had so many horrendous weeks and I haven’t had the chance to process this last one and work out where it sits on the scale just yet. I’d say it’s at least in the top five.
Just over a week ago, I wrote out a blog schedule for the entirety of May. As always, I have so many ideas, it was just about planning them out and actually putting my thoughts into legible writing. It didn’t go to plan; what a surprise. My fatigue and pain became really bad, even worse than usual. Then, came one of the worst weeks of my life.
I honestly can’t remember much of the daytime of last Monday. I know that it was a bank holiday, which meant that my Dad was off work, but my Mum was working. I probably didn’t get dressed, and I think that I was in a lot of pain. I’d just started watching Game of Thrones and I was so excited- it had me hooked from the first ten minutes.
Do you ever just get a feeling that something is really bad? I heard my Dad answer his phone at about 17:20, and it didn’t feel right, so I went through to see. Turns out, my sister, two of my nieces and my great nephew had been in a car crash. All we knew at that point was that they all had to go to hospital, and my sister was the most severely injured and was being air lifted to a hospital. We thought that it was Newcastle then but it ended up being a hospital in Middlesbrough. If you don’t already know, we live in the North West, and those two cities are in the North East and a pretty long way away from us.
Anyway, when my Dad told me, the way he said it told me that we thought my sister was dead. I don’t usually get emotional when shit like this happens but I fully collapsed to the floor, inconsolable. My little Yogi rushed to me, as usual, and licked my tears away. Mum was still at work, so my Dad went to get her and whilst he was gone, I had the most severe panic attack that I’ve had since mid December. I couldn’t breathe, I just kept thinking about how I hadn’t seen my family much over the last year because of my pain, and how would I cope if they were going to be gone? Just as quickly as the emotions came, they left. I was sat smoking a cigarette, and all of a sudden I became numb. This may sound strange to the neurotypicals among my readers, but it’s actually incredibly common for me. It’s my brain trying to protect me from emotion overload- dissociation.
I can’t remember a lot of the night, but I know that it felt as though it lasted for a lifetime. My two nieces and great nephew were taken to the hospital in the closest city to us, and my Dad took my brother in law there to be with them. Thankfully, they were all ok, to some extent anyway. My great nephew is only 1 1/2 years old, and was left with only bruising. It goes to show just how important and incredible car seats are, because that is likely what saved his life. His mum, my oldest niece, has got a broken wrist/hand and fingers- I’m not entirely sure as I haven’t seen her since it happened. She actually broke her fingers when she was a child, and it’s the same ones this time.
Originally, we were incredibly worried about my younger niece who was there, as we thought that she had broken her collarbone. She had to stay in hospital overnight, but thankfully was left just very very VERY stiff, and with cuts and bruises. I cannot put into words how lucky we have been as a family for this, it’s an actual miracle. However, my sister hasn’t been as lucky.
The crash happened around a corner, so she had next to no time to react. The selfish bastard (and that’s me putting it nicely) who caused the crash had fallen asleep at the wheel. In my opinion, it doesn’t matter whether you’re texting, tired, drunk or high whilst driving, it’s all just as bad. There is a service station so close to where it happened, and there are also lay by’s all along the road. My sister reacted as quickly as she could, and because of this, she saved her family. Unfortunately, it also meant that she took the force. It still could have been so much worse than it was, and we’re all so thankful for that, but that doesn’t make the whole situation any easier.
The injuries that she has been left with are complex, life changing but she’s still here and that is what matters. She had to have two surgeries on her arm, and now has screws and plates in her upper and lower right arm. They have also found that she has different breaks in her foot, and has been given the choice of having surgery or wearing a cast to let it heal. I’m not entirely sure which she will choose yet, but it has to be her decision. She’s going to have arthritis in her foot and it’s going to change her life permanently.
My sister is an incredibly strong person, just like all of the women in my family, and I know that she’s going to learn to adapt and come out the other side of this even stronger. That’s easy to see even now, as she’s determined to improve everyday. I saw her on Wednesday and she was still struggling quite a lot then. Now, it’s the early hours of Monday morning as I write this, and on Saturday she managed to get to the bathroom with two of her daughters. I can’t imagine anybody else being able to do what she is managing to do in so much pain, and with such severe injuries!
You’ll probably already know, or have guessed what happened after I went on the 200 mile round trip to visit my sister on Wednesday. Well, it was made even worse by the fact that I took a strip of my codeine that only had one pill left in it. I was incredibly unwell by the time I got home, and have been mostly in bed ever since then. The last day or so, I’ve managed to do my makeup, but that’s about it. However, I’m still glad that I visited her and it was worth the pain.
This week, I have felt closer to my family than I have in a long time. I suppose that’s the only good thing to come out of everything. I’ve beaten my phone anxiety so many times over and spoken to so many different people on the phone this week- it was hard, but I’m proud of myself. I still find it so draining, but I think that that’s probably to do with me being so unwell as well as my anxiety.
It’s sad that I had so many ideas before this week, but so many things seem a lot more important now. Also, I’ve realised that I need to stop expecting so much of myself. The truth is that I’m so fucking exhausted. My body hurts so much, my limbs feel heavy and most of the time, all I can bear to do is lie in bed. Writing one blog post is an achievement, when just over a year ago, I could write three in a day without feeling tired. It’s hard to tell myself that this doesn’t make me a shit blogger, but I’m trying my hardest.
I’m hoping to be back with a beauty post very soon. I just felt like I had to get things off my chest first, and kind of explain the last week. Once again, I apologise for being so bad with blogging this year. If it’s not one thing going wrong it’s another, and it’s hard to achieve anything at all when you’re chronically unwell.
Thank you so much for reading, I hope you’re all doing well and that I’ll be chatting with you again soon.