TW: SUICIDE, SELF HARM, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS
I’m only uploading today because of the day it is. I feel pretty horrendous, my pain is bad which means that my mental health is bad too. This week has more significance to me in regards to this subject than it being the awareness week, and I’m finally ready to speak out about it properly.
This week marks two years since the last time I tried to take my life. If you asked me for an exact number of attempts, I honestly couldn’t tell you- a rough guess would be 20. The first time was when I was 13, and the last when I was 20. Each and every time was when I felt trapped in a hellish situation, where I could see no other way out. This could be from something that may seem stupid such as a bad incident of bullying, which I went through during pretty much my entire time at school, to knowing that I’d messed up at work and being scared to face my boss, to a severe breakdown of a relationship or friendship. My worst period was when I was living with my emotionally abusive ex for a year, which is the time when I can’t remember how many attempts there were. I remember that I used to take a lot of pills with alcohol and then get into the bath and fall asleep quite a lot. It’s a wonder I’m still alive really.
In all honestly, I’m shocked that I’m actually being open about this. I’ve always been for people being open about mental health, but suicide has been this massive taboo for me personally. The only thing I can say could explain this, is that every time I’d done it I’d feel so cripplingly ashamed. So much shame that I can’t put it into words. I never really got any really help for what I was dealing with, and when I actually tried I was either too messed up, or not messed up enough. People who met me now would be shocked and these descriptions of the people I used to be, because I seem like I cope most of the time. That’s because I isolate myself when I’m bad, I try to push people away and I don’t want to make anyone feel bad for not being able to help me. I am more stable than I was, but it’s been so much hard work getting here, and I still have my really really tough, horrible days. Somehow, when I’m at my lowest now, I seem to find myself thinking about my family, my dog and the people I care about. In the past, this would’ve been impossible because I would have done it impulsively. I guess that shows some personal growth, right?
This week, I have found myself looking back at the person I was two years ago. I was not a bad person, but I was a broken one. I’d just left the relationship, I was in £10000 debt (thanks dickhead) and I was dealing with what he did to me. He literally shattered my soul into pieces. I was so in love with him, but he cheated on me numerous times, put me down so when I left I felt like I had to rebuild my whole life. Then, a week before the incident, he came back into my life. He told me he loved me. He told me he’d hated what he’d done to me, that he had panic attacks at work every single day since we ended, that he didn’t sleep anymore. Guess what? I fell for it. It wasn’t my fault and I don’t hate myself for it, I just loved him. We slept together. The next day, he told me he didn’t love me anymore. That’s when I tried to kill myself. Does that sound stupid? I had never felt what I felt for him with anyone else. Everything was so overwhelming, and I felt like I would never ever make things better again.
Now, I’m not perfect- far from it. I still react stupidly to things sometimes, but that’s part of me and my BPD. I am in love with someone else, he doesn’t feel the same way and I have found a way to carry on without a partner. Rejection still feels crushing, but I have so much love for other things in my life like my family and my dog, that I manage to carry on for them. This is just my journey, and I still have such a long way to go. I had a blip last month, and I’ll continue to have blips throughout the rest of my life, I’m sure. I don’t even know how to end this post because it was just really my story for Suicide Awareness Week, so yeah. Thank you for reading.
Nicole Eloise 
Thank you for sharing this. It takes a lot to share these stories, and not only are you so braves for doing so, but you’re contributing to a really important conversation that needs to keep going xxx
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