Stone Heart

It feels like somewhere down the line, my physical pain got so bad that I became mostly numb to emotional pain.

Sometimes I can kind of feel it. You know when you have your first couple of alcoholic drinks and you can FEEL that you’ve had a drink, but you’re not drunk or even tipsy? You just know it’s there? That’s how I usually feel when I’m emotionally hurt nowadays.

Occasionally, I cry. So I know I must be hurting. Honestly though, most of the time when I want to cry, the tears just won’t come. I know that I’m heartbroken. I’ve been in love with the same person for over two years, and they don’t feel the same about me. But I feel so much love for them that I wouldn’t risk losing them from my life. I know that the feeling of not being wanted by the person that I want the most is hurting me, but because I can’t really feel the pain, I can’t begin to process and deal with it.

The only way I feel is depressed. Constant depression and the numbness that comes with it. It stops me from writing on here, because it feels like everything I write comes out as depressive shit. Sometimes at night, I lie in bed with my headphones on and cry, but even then I’m not fully feeling it.

In fact, there’s another emotion I feel- anger. I’m constantly angry, and when people try to tell me that I shouldn’t be angry, I should let shit go and that being angry only harms myself, it makes me even more angry. Personally, I don’t believe that anger is necessarily a bad thing. When you don’t feel any other emotions, anger can be the only thing that gets you up in the morning. You can use burning, hot rage to motivate yourself to do things. Cleaning is my favourite thing to do when I’m angry. It feels so good to polish and to organise. I know that most people will think that I’ve lost my mind in feeling that way but it’s just how it is.

I spent so long struggling with my Borderline Personality Disorder and all I wanted was to feel numb, yet somehow, now I feel numb, I’d give anything to feel emotions again. God, I’d die to feel the positive one. Happiness, love, excitement, contentment. There are some brief moments where I feel a flicker of happiness, but it goes even faster than it comes.

Summer is supposed to be full of the happiest times. I have so many memories of sitting by the river with my friends, drinking and listening to music. Even last summer, I was still well enough to take Yogi for nice walks every now and then. Before I became so ill, I loved summer, but now, my meds make me overheat and with heat I feel nauseous, and in all honesty, summer is a constant reminder of everything that I’m missing out on.

I feel loneliness too, but it’s complicated. I’m cripplingly lonely, but socialising terrifies me and drains me of energy that I don’t even have. Maybe feeling negative about social interaction is my defence mechanism since most of my friends have abandoned me because I couldn’t put in the leg work anymore. It’s easier to pretend that you’re ok with being alone, or maybe even that you want to be alone all of the time, than letting people know just how miserable it can be.

I get to the end of every blog post I write recently and just feel like nobody is going to want to read this shit because I’m so depressing. You can say that I’m wrong all you like, but it’s hard not to believe that when you’ve been abandoned by almost everyone. More than anything, I want to be able to put some positive writing out into the world. Even just a fucking makeup post. The truth is, that with feeling so depressed, makeup just seems so unimportant. It’s really hard to write about stuff like that when you feel like your chest is being physically crushed by depression.

Maybe next time, eh?